Pop-up Stanley

To dispense with our need for human interaction and touch, the future will usher in pop-ups. All items will be ordered online and require no installation. My wish list?

A pop-up partner. The online store will have a Character & Features menu like those in video games. I’ll lift my couriered flat Stanley out of his unassuming, sturdy box and kiss, with great care, the mouth I selected. This action will trigger his wake-up mechanism, and he’ll pop up, come to life.

If you’re a distributor targeting the South African market, name your pop-up man PinocchiOU. The OU is pronounced just like the Oh! of surprise. It’s the Afrikaans word, and SA slang, for man e.g. He’s a good-looking ou.

For those who prefer the feminine companion, PinocchiVROU says it all. VROU is pronounced just like the fro in to and fro. It’s the Afrikaans word for wife.

The PinocchiVROU will be packaged with a Mutual Monogamy Certificate pinned to her breast. The response if you try to order another PinocchiVROU? A pop-up window that says Not Allowed.

Can you get a friend to purchase a second or third model on your behalf?

Visit the site when it’s launched and you’ll notice the compulsory field Iris Scan. You’re allowed only one order, one Iris Scan. The PinocchiVROU will be programmed to, immediately after pop-up, look you in the eye and validate the match. If it’s not your eye, she’s not going to play ball. Your PinocchiVROU will shutdown, fold to the floor, tight-lipped and wooden.

Right, back to my list.

A pop-up house on a flatbed truck. It unfolds vertically, from bottom to top, at the pull of a silken cord, and the shingle roof is topped with a lovable, puffing fairy tale chimney.

My ou Stanley will press the brass button discreetly embedded in an inside wall of our pop-up house. From the underbelly of the truck an outdoor dance floor slides out. Our dance floor has a pop-up transparent bubble for foul weather conditions and communicable diseases transmission prevention.

A tap from Stanley’s big toe on a clearly marked corner of the floor will deliver a pop-up sound system with excellent bass and overall specifications.

Next, a pop-up bed. Who in their right mind would choose a scary snap-back-into-the-wall bed when there’s a magical pop-up, fold-out version? A unique design feature is the Automated Electric Shock System. Do you hog the duvet, or pull it off your partner? You’ll be toast.

Stanley doesn’t snore. No pop-up partner will. Snoring will not be found in the Habits & Endearing Traits menu.

I think I snore. It’s more of a snuffle than a snore, but these things get worse with the passing of time. At night, Stanley requires a maximum of three hours sleep, but a minimum of six hours rest. If I get too noisy he can rest his body while his mind works overtime plotting and planning. Planning a love-saturated surprise, plotting its execution (sounds like murder).

Speaking of the passing of time …

Stanley will not age. You select your pop-up partner’s fixed age (25 minimum, 45 the max) and, assuming you follow the recommended maintenance schedule, he’s yours, as is, for life.

Be cautious when selecting your pop-up partners’ Attraction Age (what he fancies).

I strongly suggest you click on the 50 – 70 range, or any option that delivers maximum interest when you’d most appreciate it. We’ve seen similar, albeit in the reverse, for so long we’re blase about it (old men pursuing young women).

If your PinocchiOU’s enthusiasm does raise double-standards-eyebrows on your distant neighbors’ long faces (they ordered pop-up telescopes to spy on your pop-up life) ignore, ignore, ignore.

Back to the list.

A heat-retaining, pop-up bathtub with a side tray for candles, eats, and drinks.

A pop-up tea table with an attached cashew nuts dispenser and a book/phone/tablet stand.

A …

wait a minute. I didn’t give you the web address for the Pop-up Partner Trials – a Stanley prototype lives with you for seven weeks and you give detailed feedback to his designers. It’s how I got my inside information. Check it out at http://www.popuppartner.haha.go.za

That’s enough nonsense from me. What does your pop-up list look like?

xxx TeaShell

P.S. Did yooooo click on the bogus link????🤣